You thought you’d set clear boundaries, but now they’re not really doing their job. You’re still burning out trying to make everyone else happy. And you’re still struggling to stand up for yourself. It might be time to adjust your boundaries and how you enforce them.
The good news is, you may not actually need to add new boundaries. Rather, it might just be time to crack down on the ones you already have. But first, you need to know how to recognize when to set better boundaries and pinpoint how to adjust them.
Signs Your Boundaries Aren’t Working
At first, it seems easy to tell when your boundaries have broken down. You think, “Of course I’d notice if someone was taking advantage of me.” Maybe you even started off strong with setting and communicating your needs and limits, but things didn’t go as you hoped.
If you’ve stated your boundaries and people still aren’t respecting them, you might be missing a crucial step in the boundary-setting process. It’s easy to fall back into old patterns, especially if you’re used to letting things slide. You might notice some subtle ways your boundaries haven’t held up if you:
- Make a lot of exceptions for other people
- Struggle to make decisions
- Feel exhausted and burnt out
- Have become resentful of others
- Don’t feel like you’re being true to yourself
You Frequently Make Exceptions
You tell yourself, “I’ll let it slide this time” or “I’ll just do it for this one person.” Soon, you’re letting everything slide and doing that thing for just about everyone.
I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t make exceptions when it feels right. The key is knowing whether making that exception is within your abilities—and if it will lead to a slippery slope.
Exceptions shouldn’t lead to expectations. If they’re heading in that direction, it’s time to tighten your boundaries a little.
It’s Affecting Your Decision-Making Skills
Who are you thinking of when you make your choices? Are you thinking about whether the person who asked that favor will be mad at you? Or if they’ll still like you after? Or are you making your decisions based on your comfort and the boundary you set?
If there’s a conflict between what you need and what others are asking of you, you may need to reassess your boundaries and how you enforce them. Consider what factors into your decisions and what makes it hard for you to enforce the boundaries you set.
You’re Exhausted
When you neglect your own body and mind for the sake of keeping the peace and pleasing others, you end up with an empty cup. You’re tired because you’re overextending and overexerting yourself by trying to be everything for everyone.
That’s not to say there won’t be situations where you have to make sacrifices. For example, if you’ve got kids, pets, aging parents, or unavoidable tasks to get done, you can’t really say, “Sorry, I can’t get your dinner, I’m burnt out.” But you can still adjust expectations for a simpler meal to make it easier on you. You may also need to tell other friends and family that you’re less available because of your responsibilities, or ask them for help with managing them.
Remember: You don’t have to be the go-to person for everyone all the time. Setting reasonable boundaries can give you more energy to devote to the people who really need you—including yourself.
It Builds Resentment
“I never get to do what I want to do.” Sound familiar? When you’re busy pleasing everyone else, you don’t get a lot of time to cover your own needs. Along with tiring you out, you might start feeling like it’s other people’s fault that you haven’t had time for yourself.
But they might not know how much you’re dealing with or how worn out you are if you keep doing things the way you’ve always done them. Instead of secretly feeling resentful that people keep turning to you, it’s time to communicate how you’re feeling, what you can tolerate, and where you draw the line.
You Don’t Feel Like Yourself
The more you make your life revolve around others, the harder it is to keep hold of your own identity. Constantly giving yourself to other people makes it so your identity is tied to them. Their wellbeing and activities become who you are. You stop thinking about what you want, what feels good to you, and what makes up your sense of self outside of what you do for others.
Sometimes, you don’t realize it’s happening as you put your whole self into making your partner, your kids, or your boss happy. But who are you without all of that? If you can’t answer that, then you’re probably giving too much of yourself away. It can take a little while to remember yourself, but try thinking about what you enjoy or want more of in your life.
What Makes a Healthy Boundary?
Boundaries aren’t about making rules. They’re more like a tool to guide your behavior and responses in specific situations. A good boundary should:
- Be specific about its purpose
- Focus on your actions
- Include a plan for what you’ll do if your boundary is broken
- Be clearly communicated so others can act accordingly
- Be true to who you are and what you want in your life
Healthy boundaries depend on you sticking to them. Once you’ve created a boundary, start by sharing it with others and letting people in, so they know and respect it. And, while others will ideally respect your boundaries, be prepared for what to do when someone doesn’t.
Don’t Overcomplicate It
Boundaries aren’t perfect, and you’ll probably still need to practice setting and enforcing them. They aren’t static, and you’re allowed to change them as you need to. For now, stick to the ones you have set for as long as you need them. If you’re not used to setting boundaries, it might take time to understand what you need, where to set them, and with whom. But the important thing is that they will help you work toward living in a way that makes you feel more comfortable and content.
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